Robert Drewe: Sports talk

I admire the way top sports people speak calm commonsense. Pop star turned Olympic aspirant Cody Simpson remained clear-eyed and grateful after he fell short in the recent men’s 100m butterfly trials: “I gave it everything I had. I’ve been able to satisfy the fire that was burning inside me to compete.”

As Ian Thorpe remarked on drawing an outside pool lane in an earlier Olympics: “It’s OK, there’s water in every lane.”

And Olympic long-jumper Jai Taurima, musing on his unexpected silver medal: “I’m just a normal Aussie guy who likes a smoke and a drink. If they’d held the final between 2 and 4am, I would’ve won.”

But I enjoy it even more when they talk AFL footyspeak. For this I turn to some historic examples. And not only because of his obvious self-regard and sculpted hair a special place is reserved here for Dermott Brereton.

Some prime Dermie examples: “That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical”; “Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer”; “Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw”; “I wouldn’t say Chris Judd is the best centreman in the AFL, but there are none better.”

Some other favourite football-isms: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” (Mick Malthouse)

And, “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Shane Wakelin)

Barry Hall, then captain of the Swans, organising training : “You guys line up alphabetically, by height, and you guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” When asked about the upcoming season, Big Bazza answered, “I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this year, whichever comes first.”

Then there was Kevin Sheedy on James Hird: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

Brock McLean, asked whether his Melbourne team visited the Pyramids when holidaying in Egypt: “I can’t remember the names of the nightclubs we went to.”

And Jonathan Brown commenting informatively on night-versus-day grand finals: “Night is basically the same, just darker.”

Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton’s performance: “So I asked him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Barass, I don’t know and I don’t care.’”

AFL doesn’t have gibberish on its own. As the Gold Coast rugby league coach Phil Economidis opined glumly, “We’re on the crest of a slump.” But for league broadcaster-twaddle few can beat player turned commentator Rex (the Moose) Mossop.

Rex admired players who made “forward progress” and were proficient at “very mobile running.” As he said, ”I keep getting Boyd and O’Grady mixed up because they look alike, especially around the head”. Other famous Moose-isms: “He’s favouring a groin injury at the top of his leg.” And “Now the referee’s giving him a verbal tongue lashing.”

Meanwhile, when asked, ”Would you describe yourself as a volatile player?” the celebrated David Beckham answered, “Yes. I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left.” Asked his preferences on this subject, the US basketballer Charles Shackleford said, “Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.”

However no discussion of sporting sayings is complete without mentioning the crisp one-liners of our own Dennis Cometti, broadcaster par excellence. Impossible to pick a favourite but I’ve always liked these:

• Regarding the work of Western Bulldogs’ Tony Liberatore as he burrowed into a pack: “Liberatore went into that last pack optimistically and came out misty optically.”
• After Essendon’s Nathan Lovett-Murray had evaded a couple of tacklers: “Lovett went one way, Murray went the other, and they were left chasing the hyphen.”
• The way Jakovich is playing today, he’s closer to teething than retiring.”
• On Collingwood’s burly full-forward of the 2000s: “When Anthony Rocca backs into a pack, he beeps.”
• On Adelaide defender Nathan Bassett: “He never takes a breather. If he was a postman he’d finish his round in 20 minutes, stopping only to bite a few dogs.”
• “There’s Koutoufides — more vowels than possessions today.”
• On Collingwood’s Heath Shaw’s famous smother on Saints skipper Nick Riewoldt in the 2010 grand final: “He came up behind him like a librarian! He never heard him!”

As for his first meeting with the former Mr Football, Eddie McGuire, Cometti was most impressed: “Ed had an aura. I remember he asked his personal assistant, ‘Have you seen the letter opener?’ And she replied, ‘It’s his day off’.”